Two Steps Back Page 15

  He smiled at her. “Definitely, which is why I think it’ll be perfect for the wedding.”

  Her mood shifted. The wedding. Why the hell is he thinking about the wedding now?

  Their weekend in Bordeaux had confirmed what Jaylah already knew: she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Johnny.

  Just when she thought she had him all figured out—hardworking, reliable, extremely protective—he surprised her with his sudden burst of spontaneity. And though he usually kept his inner-fears close to the vest, he’d allowed himself to open up and be vulnerable in a way that enlarged her heart.

  But despite this, despite their absolutely perfect jaunt to France, Jaylah still did not want to rush off and get married as soon as Johnny’s divorce was final. She wanted to be certain they weren’t moving too quickly or skipping over the steps that would ensure a happily ever after.

  Jaylah didn’t want to tell him about needing to postpone the wedding; she feared Johnny wouldn’t understand why she craved more time. But in spite of the risks, he had to know before her feelings turned into an ulcer that would kill them both.

  “It would be pretty awesome to get married in France—“

  “Right?” he said cutting in. “It would be so perfect.”

  “..But I think we should wait until after the baby’s born. I mean…”

  Johnny chuckled. “Please don’t tell me you’re self-conscious about showing. I know you’ll be a stunning bride, even when you’re seven months along.”

  She squeezed his hand. “Thanks, babe, but…”

  “But what?”

  Jaylah took a deep breath and told herself to say the words that had been sitting on the tip of her tongue for weeks.

  “I want to wait until after the baby’s born to get married. Way after.”

  He eyed her, and she averted his gaze. “I don’t understand. Why?”

  “What’s the rush? With everything going on, why do we have to get married now?”

  “The baby will be here in a few months, Jaylah.”

  “And? Why do we have to get married before it’s born?”

  “Because we’re going to be a family…”

  “We don’t need a piece of paper to tell us that,” she cut in.

  “I know. But,” he hesitated, blowing a quick burst of air through his lips, “I want to do this the right way, innit.”

  Jaylah sighed. She knew their sprint toward marriage was as much about honor as it was love. If nothing else, Johnny was an honorable man who wanted to do right by her and the baby. The trouble was, he didn’t seem to realize he already had.

  “Baby, nothing about our relationship has been done the right way,” she said. “We met when you were already married, for God’s sakes. But this isn’t the ‘50s, Johnny. No one is going to call our child a bastard or look at us sideways for not being married when it’s born. And if they do, fuck them.”

  She stroked his hand and softened her tone.

  “Can you honestly say, with everything that’s going on, that you’re ready to get married right now?”

  Johnny straightened his back and met her gaze. “Yes.”

  Jaylah wanted to ask how he could be so sure. She wanted to know how he could have one marriage die, and be in the middle of burying it, and still be certain they would survive.

  But she held her tongue.

  “I guess you can’t say the same?” he asked. “You don’t want to marry me, Jaylah?”

  Her chest constricted and Jaylah felt her heart splinter into a thousand jagged pieces when she saw the look on his face. Pain. Johnny’s face was streaked with pain. Her words had sliced into him, opening a deep wound she wanted desperately to heal.

  “Of course I want to marry you, Johnny. Of course.”

  “Then I don’t understand. Why do you want to wait until after the baby’s born?”

  She took a deep breath. Johnny had said he loved her guts and her ability to take a chance. The time had come to finally spill it, and perhaps, put their relationship on the line for the truth.

  “I just need more time.”

  “Because you’re not sure about us?”

  “Because I feel like everything’s moving so fast I can barely keep up. Do you realize that a year ago I was back in L.A. writing for the Weekly and trying to figure out what the fuck I was going to do with my life?” She paused to take a breath. “And now,” Jaylah shook her head like she didn’t believe the story herself, “now I live in an entirely different country, finally have a job I enjoy, am four months pregnant with my first child, and am madly in love with a soon-to-be-divorced man who wants to get married right now. Baby, this shit is scary. Can’t you understand that?”

  “Of course I understand it. I’m scared too, Jay.”

  “So why are you in such a rush?”

  He reached out to brush her hair behind her ear. “Because I love you, and—”

  “You know how many people love each other and get divorced, Johnny? A coupe of years from now I don’t want to be sitting across the room from you in court.”

  He grimaced.

  “I just want you to know I’m not going anywhere, Jaylah. That I’m committed to you, to our family.”

  “Johnny I don’t need a wedding to tell me what I already know, babe.”

  They sat in silence, watching people stroll by and Jaylah wondered why Johnny seemed to desperately need a piece of paper to feel secure. Didn’t he know she was his from the moment they met? Didn’t he realize she had forsaken all others after he’d pressed close to her that afternoon on the London Eye and watched the city open up beneath them?

  Didn’t he know she was already his?

  The irony of the situation was not lost on Jaylah. Usually it was the woman who needed reassurance, an official commitment, and God’s blessing. But this time, it was Johnny—confident, cocky, unshakable Johnny—who needed the guarantee.

  “I’m not going anywhere, babe,” she said, letting her thoughts spill over into words. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone. Ever. And I’m not giving it up.”

  Johnny put his arm around Jaylah’s shoulder and she leaned into him.

  “I just think it would be foolish to believe we can just hop, skip, and dive headfirst into marriage without giving ourselves time to get to know each other first. It’s been what? Six months? We need to see how we react when things aren’t all fun and exciting anymore. When shit gets really real, like when we’re both having a horrible day and the baby’s screaming.”

  She gazed up into his face. “We deserve to know we can make it through that before we get married.”

  “So what are you saying?”

  “I’m saying, we keep living our lives, loving each other, and you give me some time to catch my breath.”

  “How much time?”

  She shrugged. “As much as I need?”

  “I’m a business man, remember? Can I get an estimate?”

  Jaylah mulled over an answer until she landed on one that sounded like the truth. “A year. I need a year.”

  Johnny considered her request for several tense moments.

  “And what if I don’t want to wait that long?”

  She cocked her head and eyeballed him.

  “I’m not worth the wait?” Jaylah challenged. “You said you love me and you want to marry me, and we’re a family, right? Why would you suddenly change your mind because I need a year?”

  Johnny rubbed his temples and let out another gush of air.

  “So I don’t have a choice in the matter?”

  “You always have a choice, Johnny. Even if you don’t like the options, you still get to choose.”

  Jaylah stood and started toward the hotel. When she got to the corner she realized Johnny was still sitting under the clock across from the theater. He appeared to be frozen, or praying, his head bowed and his hands clasped in front of his face.

  As she made her way down the avenue Jaylah hoped that whatever Johnny decided wouldn’t make her regre
t her words, which at the moment, had left her all alone.

  Twenty-One

  “Still giving me the silent treatment, huh?”

  Jaylah watched Johnny slip into his coat and grab his satchel on his way out the door. Since returning from Bordeaux their conversations had been few and far between. Work seemed to once again occupy the majority of Johnny’s time, and Jaylah threw herself into the comfortable distraction of deadlines. But a sinking feeling kept nagging at the side of her brain: Did I fuck this up?

  At first Jaylah was relieved that she’d finally come clean about wanting to postpone the wedding, but as the days rolled by, and their conversations amounted to little more than passing chats about the weather, their schedules, or what they should eat for dinner, she started to get concerned.

  New Johnny, the vulnerable man she’d seen in Bordeaux, receded into the background, and Jaylah was left with a brooding lover who appeared too angry to even speak to her.

  “Don’t start this right now, Jaylah. I’ve got to get to the office early.”

  “Right, meetings.” She rolled her eyes. “Gotta make that money, right?”

  She didn’t want to start an argument, but if it got him to show a little passion—to get emotional, or angry, or illustrate that he cared at all—she wouldn’t mind. Jaylah wanted her Johnny back, but she was afraid she’d pushed him away.

  He let out an agitated sigh. “I don’t want to fight with you.”

  “You don’t want to do anything with me lately, Johnny. What gives?”

  He gripped the handle of his bag tighter and glanced at the door. “Look, I’m sorry. I just have a lot to contend with right now.”

  “Like what?”

  He glanced at his watch and sat his bag down.

  “Like Femi’s in Lagos trying to sure up our deal with Seven Energy and I’m stuck doing twice the work at JPFS, and according to Charles, Fiona’s trying to change the terms of our agreement.”

  Jaylah’s eyebrows shot up at the mention of his ex-wife’s name. “She what?”

  “She’s still trying to negotiate, or rather renegotiate. I really don’t know what’s going on, but Charles says he’s handling it.” Johnny rubbed the spot where his beard would be if he let it grow, and shrugged. “Sorry I’ve been a bit preoccupied, but the whole world can’t revolve around you, Jaylah.”

  She recoiled. “What did you say?”

  “Nothing. Look, I have to go, okay?”

  He turned to leave, but Jaylah rushed to cut him off at the door.

  “We’re not finished, Johnny,” she said, crossing her arms. “Why are you so angry with me?”

  He rubbed his eyes and groaned. “I’m not.”

  “Oh really? You’ve barely talked to me since we’ve been back, we haven’t made love, and now you’re calling me spoiled.” She glared at him. “If that’s not angry, I don’t know what is.”

  “I can’t do this right now, okay? You think I’m angry. Fine. Believe what you want. I’m angry. Now can I leave?”

  “It’s not about me believing what I want, Johnny. I just want to know what’s going on. Every since we agreed to postpone the wedding, things have been—“

  Johnny let out a harsh laugh, damn near doubling over as he howled.

  “Please…let me in on the joke.”

  “We agreed to postpone the wedding?”

  “Yes, we said—“

  “You said, Jaylah. Not me. Remember that.”

  She put her hands on her hips. “No, you chose—“

  “Let’s not even have that conversation again. Yes, I chose to agree to your terms. What were alternatives? To breakup? To move out and be a weekend father? To be apart from the woman I love? What kind of fucked up choices did I actually have? You were the one holding all the cards.”

  “This isn’t a game, Johnny. I don’t—“

  “Damn right it’s not a game,” he said, raising his voice. “Everything I’ve done these past few months has been for us, so we can have a good life, and you don’t even want it.”

  Jaylah stepped toward Johnny and grabbed his tie, pulling him in close. She softened her tone.

  “I know, and I appreciate everything you do.” Jaylah planted a soft kiss on his chin and she could feel him relax. He slid an arm around her waist. “And of course I want this life, babe.”

  “Just not until next year.”

  “Johnny, I—“

  He kissed her on lips, shushing her. “I get it, Jaylah, okay? I don’t like it, but I get it.”

  As Jaylah watched him walk out the door she hoped he did.

  * * *

  Jourdan waved at Jaylah through the window of Coffee & Candy as soon as she spotted her outside the door. Even though she was in the middle of crafting a pitch to snag her biggest client to date, Jourdan agreed to meet Jaylah for lunch.

  “That’s what sisters do!” she had said, bushing aside Jaylah’s suggestion to just connect later after calling Jourdan in tears.

  After her morning conversation with Johnny, Jaylah felt on edge. He said he understood why she wanted to wait a year before getting married, but she wasn’t sure he actually did.

  When he headed off to work Jaylah fritted around the flat, running their conversation through her head. But after a few hours of thinking of things she could have said to make him grasp her point, she realized rehashing the whole thing was pointless and called Jourdan instead.

  “You’re trying to make me fat, aren’t you?” Jaylah said, eyeing the pastries and sweets that lined the walls of the café as she sat down.

  “Well, you’re five months along, isn’t it about time you start looking pregnant?”

  “Oh, trust me, I do,” she said patting her small bump. “You haven’t seen me naked, remember?”

  Jourdan chortled. “Perish the thought!”

  “How’s the pitch coming along?” Jaylah changed the subject wanting to talk about something other than being pregnant. Aside from a serious bout of morning sickness in the beginning, things had moved along without much fuss, and sometimes, Jaylah even forgot she was carrying a child at all.

  “Driving me bloody insane!” Jourdan threw up her hand in an exaggerated motion. “I almost want to forget the whole thing.”

  “You can’t do that, J. The 30 Under 30 opening was amazing. Imagine how much of a bigger deal landing the Gagosian account would be for you guys.”

  Jourdan sipped her Irish coffee. “I know. I just need to get my head in the game.”

  “Need me to do anything? Who’s the competition? I can write something salacious about them.” Jaylah laughed, trying to lift her friend’s spirits. “They might suddenly find themselves in the middle of a scandal.”

  “No thanks, sissy. You’re supposed to be using your powers for good. I’m the bad twin, remember?”

  “Well, the offer’s on the table whenever you need it.”

  “Thanks, Jay.” Jourdan patted Jaylah’s hand. “Feeling better?”

  Jaylah released a long sigh. “Define better?”

  “Well, you’re offering to take down my competitors and you’re not crying anymore, so that’s a start.”

  “Then I guess I am. It’s just…” She sat back in her chair and searched for the right words. “I don’t want to lose him, Jourdan. He looked so hurt when I came clean about the wedding. And you know how men react when they get hurt.”

  Jourdan nodded. “They shut down.”

  “Exactly! And that’s what I’m afraid he’s doing. We barely talk, we haven’t had sex, I don’t know what to do.”

  “It sounds like he needs a little reassurance you don’t have one foot out the door.”

  “I’m pregnant, J, why would I even dream of leaving now?”

  “Because you can. And he knows it.” Jourdan stirred her coffee. “Look, men like Johnny, men who are used to being the provider and taking care of everyone and everything, they need to feel useful. It probably scares the piss out of him that you don’t need him in the way he’s used
to being needed.”

  “Because I have a job?”

  “And a life, and a career, and your own flat—which he’s probably not really happy he lives in, by the way.”

  “He’s never said anything about that…”

  “Why would he, Jay? He wants to be with you, and the last time he mentioned getting a place together you shut him down.”

  Jaylah shook her head. “But that was back when I wasn’t even sure I was keeping the baby.”

  “And? Men have long memories, too,” Jourdan said. “Think about it. Johnny can buy just about any house in London, but he’s sharing a one bedroom flat you subleased from someone else. Where are you guys going to put the baby? In the pantry?” Jourdan laughed at her own suggestion. “He’s a planner, Jay. You don’t think he made all that money by accident, do you?”

  Jaylah stared at Jourdan unable to speak, bowled over by her friend’s insight.

  Had Johnny been following her lead all along? Did she really hold all the cards like he said she did?

  Jourdan continued, snatching Jaylah out of her thoughts.

  “And all of his plans are being derailed by the woman he loves most who happens to needs him the least. Johnny probably doesn’t even know how to handle it all.”

  Jaylah considered her friend’s words. Was Johnny going through the motions and agreeing to all of her terms just to make her happy? Did he want something more, but was afraid to voice his own needs because he didn’t want to lose her?

  “Oh my God, J! You’re right. He’s been settling…for me,” she said, bringing a hand to her chest like she had a breakthrough.

  Jourdan nodded at Jaylah, looking pleased.

  “And all this time I thought I was the one bending over backward for him…”

  Jaylah couldn’t believe it. While she spent months considering what she needed from the relationship to feel comfortable, loved, and respected, she never gave Johnny’s needs the same amount of contemplation.

  Because of their beginning, things had to be on her terms, right? How else could she be certain he wouldn’t run off and fall in love with the next woman who made him feel alive?

  But while Jaylah was busy guarding her heart, trying to read between Johnny’s words, testing the limits of his patience, and doling out her trust in tiny increments, she couldn’t see what was right in front of her eyes. Johnny had given himself to her fully, completely, and without reservation. And she was the one who was holding back.