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Two Steps Back Page 8


  “No, Jay Jay, I’ve got it covered. Besides, you’re looking a little flush. Feeling okay?”

  “Yeah…for now. I’m hoping I don’t get sick, though. Yesterday I barely kept any food down.”

  Mrs. Baldwin emptied her arms and put the back of her hand to Jaylah’s forehead. “Hmmm. Maybe you should make an appointment with Dr. Lawson just to make sure everything’s alright. And I’m sure your…” she hesitated for a moment. “I’m sure Johnny would like to see the baby move if he can.”

  “Maybe. I’m going to get some air. You sure you don’t need my help?”

  “I can handle it. Just remember, dinner’s at six.”

  “Got it.”

  Jaylah grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator then headed out the kitchen, excited to see her man. If she hurried, she could spend a few hours wrapped around Johnny instead of feeling guilty for not helping her mother with dinner.

  Jaylah looked herself over in the living room mirror before leaving the house. She looked presentable enough in her baby doll dress and patterned tights, not that Johnny ever cared what she had on as long as he could peal it off.

  Her hair was a different story, however. Her curls looked dry and frizzy, and in desperate need of a trim. Instead of climbing the stairs to her room, Jaylah smoothed her tresses into a lazy topknot, then bounded out the door and jumped in the car starting toward Marina del Rey. Fifteen minutes later she was knocking on Johnny’s door.

  “You’re a little early for dinner, yeah?” Johnny asked, chuckling when he saw her standing in the entryway.

  “Oh, you’re not happy to see me?” she shot back, copping a fake attitude.

  “Always, babes.”

  Johnny leaned down to kiss her, but Jaylah sidestepped his lips, walked around him, and stripped off her clothes.

  “Not wasting any time today, huh?” he said, watching her remove her leggings.

  “Oh please, Johnny,” she said, taking her dress off. “It’s not even like that. I just came to lie down. This bed is so damn comfortable.”

  Jaylah slid under the fluffy duvet and sighed. The supple sheets and feathery pillows were a welcomed change from the mattress at her parent’s house that felt like she was sleeping on a concrete slab.

  “Feeling okay?” he asked, slipping in beside her.

  “Yeah, just tired. And a little concerned about tonight.”

  The truth? Jaylah was scared shitless about the dinner with her parents. She’d spent the previous night running the many ways their meal could turn into a disaster through her mind. The options were plentiful.

  “Don’t worry,” he said, planting a kiss on her forehead, “your parents will love me. How could they not?”

  She gave him a look.

  Seriously?!

  “Umm, I don’t know, maybe because you’re married? I’m almost certain that topic will come up.”

  “But I thought you haven’t told them,” Johnny asked, confused.

  “Oh, I haven’t. And I’m not going to,” she added quickly. “But I’m sure my parents are going to ask about your ‘plans,’ and that’s just code for, ‘When are you guys getting married?’”

  Jaylah could almost sense when the question would arise: most likely after dinner while her mother was serving the dessert. Her father would lean back in his chair, pat his too full stomach and ask, “So what are you two planning to do?” and Jaylah’s mother would chime in, “Because the baby will be here before you know it.”

  She had been rehearsing her response for days. Jaylah would speak up first, giving herself some wiggle room to decide about their future after the baby arrived. Her parents wouldn’t like her answer, but she’d sell it on the basis of not wanting to rush into marriage until well after her crazy pregnancy hormones wore off. “Marriage shouldn’t be a rash decision,” she pictured herself telling them. “I don’t want to enter into it lightly and while I’m not thinking straight,” she’d reiterate.

  Jaylah hoped they’d buy it.

  “Well…you know my answer to that,” Johnny said, bringing her back to reality.

  “Right, right. Get married, raise the baby, live happily ever after, the end,” she said, her voice sounding robotic.

  “You make it sound like the worst thing in the world.”

  “Well…it’s not the best.”

  Lines of concern instantly crinkled Johnny’s face. “Excuse me? Not the best? You don’t want to be with me?”

  “Of course I do,” Jaylah said, hoping to lessen the blow she just delivered. “I just don’t want to rush into anything, you know that. Besides, you’re still married, and unless the UK has some relaxed polygamy laws, we can’t get married right now even if we wanted to.”

  “But do you want to?” he asked, perched on an elbow and looking serious. “Because you know what I want.”

  Jaylah had to stop herself from rolling her eyes, but she was already annoyed. She’d come to Johnny’s room to rest, not exert her mental reserves having the same damn conversation about their future for the fifty-leventh time.

  How can you be so fucking sure? The words circled through her brain, but never made it to Jaylah’s tongue. She didn’t feel like having this discussion because neither of their views had changed over the past few weeks. Johnny’s position was steadfast and unchanging, while everything about Jaylah was completely up in the air.

  It was true, Jaylah couldn’t picture her life without Johnny in it, and she’d certainly tried. But that didn’t mean they should rush into marriage as soon as possible, did it? They hadn’t even known each other for a year.

  “Johnny…” she said, trying to choose her words carefully, “I don’t know what I want right now. All I know is that I love you and we’re having a baby. But other than that? I’m not even sure. I mean, your family doesn’t know about me or the baby or your divorce. How can you even talk about marrying me and they don’t even know I exist?”

  “I’ve just been looking for the perfect time to tell them about everything. My family is very traditional, and…”

  And they’ll see me as some kind of home wrecking, American whore, she wanted to add, but didn’t.

  Jaylah rolled away from Johnny, turning her back on the rest of his explanation, which made her feel like a dirty secret he was scared to admit.

  “Jaylah, don’t be like that. Look at me, please?” he asked, trying to nudge her back in his direction, but she waved him off.

  “I’m tired,” she said, hoping he’d leave her alone. “I just want to take a nap.”

  Jaylah closed her eyes and tried to pretend Johnny wasn’t lying next to her full of excuses about why he hadn’t told his parents about the woman he professed to love and for whom he would uproot his entire life.

  What part of the game is that? I’m good enough to impregnate, but not meet your traditional-ass parents?

  What was he waiting for? The time would never be right. Waiting another day or month or year would not make telling the truth any easier, but it was clear to Jaylah that Johnny wasn’t prepared to say it.

  She felt herself losing the battle against the hurt building in her chest and squeezed her eyes tighter. But it was no use, Jaylah was crying, again. Silent tears streamed down her face and into the pillow faster than she could wipe them away, but she remained still, hoping Johnny wouldn’t notice.

  “Jaylah please look at me,” he asked again, still trying to convince her to turn around. “I’m going to tell them, I prom—“

  A sob escaped; she just couldn’t hold it in any longer. Jaylah didn’t want to hear any bullshit promises; she didn’t want to hear that Johnny would tell his parents soon, baby soon. If she was going to do this and be with him for real and forever, he needed to claim her to those that mattered most.

  “Baby?” Johnny moved to her side of the bed and saw Jaylah’s damp face. “Please don’t cry, Jay. You know I can’t handle that.” He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her tears.

  She pulled away from him agai
n, sitting up in bed and pulling her knees close to her chest. She didn’t want Johnny to touch her, didn’t want to lose sight of her hurt and anger by giving into his comforting hands.

  Jaylah was pissed off, but lately, everything she felt manifested as tears, making her look like some kind of feeble, downtrodden woman who needed to be saved, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

  “Honestly, Johnny, I don’t want to hear another fucking word about getting married until you tell your parents about us.” She glared at him, wiping the remaining tears from her cheeks. “Not tonight, not tomorrow, not another fucking word!”

  Her tone made him recoil. Johnny no doubt expected to soothe her with more promises, more declarations of love, but Jaylah wasn’t having it. Not anymore. She was tired of feeling like a secret addiction that he’d accommodate, but not admit in the light of day.

  Sure, they’d roamed around London like a happy couple, but she wasn’t integrated into his life. Johnny had never introduced her to his friends, had never invited her up to his office, and had yet to tell his family he was in love with her.

  Johnny stared at Jaylah, stunned, and she took advantage of his silence.

  “I’ve never met a single person you know, Johnny. Do you realize that? Not a single person. I know your parents moved back to Ghana, but you’ve got a sister in Manchester. That’s like two hours away! Haven’t met her. Haven’t been introduced to anyone you work with. Haven’t met any of your friends,” she got out of bed and began pacing around the room. “Meanwhile, You’ve hung out with me and Jourdan, you’ve met my boss, and now you’re meeting my parents. Do you know why that is?” she paused and waited for a response, but Johnny was rendered mute. “Because I fucking care about you. I love you. You’re an important part of my life, Johnny, so I’ve included you in it. I’m not stashing you away like something I’m ashamed of.”

  He came alive then. “I’m not ashamed of you, Jaylah.”

  “Oh really?” She threw back her head and laughed. “And how would I know that exactly?” she asked, crossing her arms and glowering at him.

  “Because I love you, and—“

  She cut him off, shaking her head. “Words. Those are just words, Johnny.”

  “Just words? So you don’t think I love you?”

  “You know what I learned back in my writing classes in college?”

  “What does that have to do with anything?” he asked, perplexed by her sudden segue.

  “Show, don’t tell,” Jaylah said, ignoring his question.

  “Excuse me? I don’t under—“

  “No disrespect, Johnny, but at this point, your words don’t mean shit. Don’t get me wrong. They’re nice to hear, and most times I believe them, but if they aren’t backed by up by actions, then there’re just meaningless words.”

  “Now, hold on just a minute. Where are we right now? Are we in England? Is this your flat?” Johnny looked around the hotel room, his voice rising. “No, we’re in L.A. because you asked me to come. I got on a plane and flew 11 bloody hours—in the middle seat, by the way—because you asked me to come. ”

  “And I appreciate it, but—“

  “But nothing, Jaylah. I am showing you with my actions. You asked me to move out of my house and now I’m living in a fucking hotel. You asked me to come, and I’m here. You asked me to meet your parents and I’m meeting them tonight. That’s not enough action for you?”

  “I appreciate those things, Johnny, I do. But now I’m asking you to tell your family I exist. That I matter,” Jaylah said, her voice cracking. “That we’re having a baby. That you want to be with me. That I didn’t ruin your life.”

  He crossed the room and wrapped his arms around her waist and planted his lips on her forehead. “I will, Jaylah.”

  “When?” She glanced up at him, her eyes moist again. “When, Johnny? The time will never be right. It’s not going to get any easier to tell them you and Fiona didn’t work out, and that you fell in love with someone else.”

  Johnny collapsed on the bed and put his head in his hands. “I know,” he whispered. “I just…I just don’t like letting anyone down, especially my father. He expects so much of me. Sometimes it feels impossible to live up to it, innit?”

  Something inside Jaylah softened. Seeing Johnny, her Johnny—who always seemed to move through the world like he owned it—humbled and vulnerable drew her closer to him. She sat in his lap and tipped his chin toward her face until they were looking into each other’s eyes.

  “I totally understand. I lived my whole life trying to measure up to everyone else’s standards. And I was miserable. I felt like one of those lab rats suck in cage. Just trapped. But you know what happened when I broke out?” She stroked the side of his face and waited.

  “Everything magically worked out?” A meager smile appeared on Johnny’s lips.

  “No, not everything. But I moved to London, got a wonderful job, and met this handsome bloke who I can’t seem to get rid of no matter how hard I try,” she said, smiling. “You know what I’ve learned over the years?”

  Johnny shook his head.

  “Whenever you take a risk things get rougher before they get better. But in the end, it’s usually worth it.”

  “Really?” Johnny thought for a moment, and then kissed her, letting his tongue play gently in her mouth. “I hope you’re right.”

  “I usually am,” she teased, nuzzling his nose.

  They cuddled for a few minutes, Johnny rubbing her back and nuzzling her neck, and Jaylah stroking his head. No matter how angry she had gotten with him minutes before, Jaylah was happy things were right between them once again.

  Johnny broke their comfortable silence. “Can you hand me my phone?”

  Jaylah reached across the bed, got Johnny’s mobile, and handed it to him. “Who are you calling?”

  “My father,” he said, scrolling through his contacts.

  Jaylah’s heart leapt. Is he…, she thought, unable to allow herself to even think that Johnny was finally going to tell his family what they had was real and permanent and valuable.

  “What are you going to say?”

  He kissed her lips and pressed send. “What I should have said a long time ago.”

  Johnny put the phone on speaker and waited for his father to pick up.

  “You don’t have to…I don’t need to hear—“ Jaylah started to say, but Johnny waved her off and grabbed her hand. When she heard his father’s voice boom into the receiver her stomach raced to her throat.

  “Hello Papa, how are you?” Johnny asked as calmly as if he was just calling to shoot the breeze.

  “Fine son. Are you well? How are things in England? How’s the firm?”

  “Things are well, Papa. Business is busy, but doing really well.”

  “Wonderful. Does this mean we’ll be seeing you soon? You mother would love to have you home, she says you get too skinny when you stay in London too long.”

  Jaylah listened to the men’s familiar banter and imagined what it would be like to travel to Accra and meet Johnny’s family. She wondered if he got his striking looks from his father, or if he was, unlike her, his mother’s child. She let herself daydream about helping Johnny’s mother cook dinner as she balanced her little one on her hip while the men talked business in the other room. Jaylah could almost taste the Jollof Rice and barbequed goat when she felt Johnny squeeze her hand, causing her fantasy to drift away.

  “Papa,” she heard him say, his voice steady and assured, “I called because I have some news.”

  Thirteen

  Love is a battle, Jaylah thought, as she looked at Johnny’s slumped shoulders. He had put up a valiant effort against his father’s assault on his manhood, on his intelligence, but Johnny appeared to be broken in a way Jaylah had never seen.

  His conversation with the elder Poku had not gone well, although, Jaylah didn’t expect Johnny’s father to take the news of his son’s affair, divorce, and unborn child kindly. But she couldn’t predict M
r. Poku would go on such a tirade, calling Johnny stupid, worthless, and “an absolute failure of a man.”

  Jaylah winced when he’d levied that last blow, as if she had been the one sucker punched. And in a way she had. His father’s attack on her lover’s abilities had been as much about her as it was about Johnny’s indiscretions.

  “This girl,” Johnny’s father hissed, “is worth throwing away your life?”

  “Her name is Jaylah,” he said, correcting his father before giving an answer. “And yes, she is.”

  “How can you be so stupid? Fiona is a good woman, an elegant woman. You’ve known her since uni. And this, this girl comes along and now you want to mix up your life? Tuh!” Johnny’s father boomed, his distaste for Jaylah evident in his refusal to use her name.

  “Papa, Fiona and I haven’t been happy for years. We haven’t—“

  “So what!” his father spat. “Marriage is not always happy, but you don’t get divorced because of it. You had your fun, now go home to your wife.”

  “I’m in love with Jaylah, Papa. I want to be with her, she makes me happy.”

  “I understand this girl makes you feel things, but she’s not worth ruining your life.”

  Jaylah’s heart lurched. She wanted to defend herself, wanted to explain that she was, in fact, worth it. She wanted to tell Johnny’s father that she loved his son with a fierceness that was so foreign, so against her character that it could not be explained away as some sort of fanciful whim that would soon pass.

  “She didn’t ruin my life. I did. I stayed with Fiona even though I knew marrying her was a mistake. I was drowning, Papa. Jaylah saved me, she brought me back to life.”

  “You are confused,” Johnny’s father said, ignoring his son’s heartfelt words. “Come home, get your bearings straight, and patch things up with Fiona. She will take you back.”

  “Papa, my relationship with Fiona is finished. Done,” Johnny said, slicing through the air with his hands as he spoke. “Jaylah and I are having a baby and we’re going to get married.”